Why does it feel like the pain will never end? Why has my daughter been through so much in her life? Why can't I seem to help her?? Or myself? Why do people say they love you and they're there for you when they're really not? Why did The Coutlee's say they love Heather and I so much but now will only type three lines back after I write to them, pouring my heart out? Why is it that I sent them a text message, never to hear anything in return? Why have I lost "Christian" friends, just by being myself, flawed as I am? Why do I feel like I have a never-ending pit of loneliness inside? Why is it that when I would be going through things earlier in my life, that the phone would ring just at the 'right' time but now, I can be cold, all alone and empty with absolutely no hope in sight? Why is it that I have $2.00 and some change to my name and absolutely no motivation, whatsoever, to try to find work? Why does no one seem to understand that my daughter and I have been through 12 years of emotional and verbal abuse in my marriage? Why do #W$^$%^&$ therapists have to charge money to help people? Even sliding scale means there a cost of some kind. How can you take from negative??? Why is it that fellow 'Christians' want to give me text book answers to these questions? Why can't people be in the ditches with us, FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES???? I feel like screaming until I can't anymore but if I do, I hurt physically so that doesn't work either. Why does it appear that some people have the answers and others struggle all of their lives? Why do I cry alone? Why does my daughter not tell me most of what she goes through? I feel like I have ruined her life. She's turning 18 in a month and 2 days and I have absolutely nothing to buy her anything with and there are no friends I could get together for a party. She adores Josh Groban and I wanted to get her tickets to a concert... I want her to have some joy. It breaks my heart to see my daughter look so sad all the time, knowing how she was when she was a little girl, before all that happened in my marriage. My bad choices have really screwed up her life and I can't take it back. She looks like a shell of the bright, beautiful personality that she was at 5. We've been so isolated that she's never been in a play or known what sleepovers are like. Now she's almost 18 and feels like she's been robbed of her mother. I don't blame her a bit because she has been. I've taken refuge in the computer because of not wanting to face the pain of my reality. Now that he's no longer living in the same house with us, a large part of what we were fighting daily is gone but we most certainly are dealing with the aftermath. Well, not dealing with it.....just breathing. Why am I living in a town where people are so disconnected that I could literally disappear here and no one would be the wiser? Why do both of my parents have to be dead? I lost my father when I was 6, to the military and my mother to small cell lung cancer in June 2006. She was my biggest fan and always there with unconditional love. We definitely had our problems, but I realize now that she believed in me, no matter what. It hurts so bad sometimes that I ache for one of her hugs or smiles. Just to hear her voice one more time. I can't. That's that. I just can't. She's gone and there's nothing I can do about it. Why do we learn? It seems as though the more I learn, the more alienated I feel. I suppose I know why the saying exists, "ignorance is bliss." I hear my daughter say a lot that she preferred the world when she didn't know so much. I relate to that. I don't understand if there's going to be so much pain, why we live in the first place. I can, just like so many people give the PC answer or the religious one.....because that's life, grow up and suck it up! Because God has a purpose, etc. I'm 38, turning 39 next month and still don't have a clue about the direction my life is going. I feel less sure now than I think I ever have. Why do people ask questions, as if they're going to help you in some way and then never e-mail back after that? Why is my life so different than when I was a child? I was so filled with hope and dreams, so sure and so happy. This feels like some big, sadistic joke. I want my daughter and I to have a real chance to heal but there just don't seem to be the resources we need and I have no idea what to do about it. We used to take drives around town, on a regular basis, just to get out of the house, see something different and talk. Well with the freakin' gas prices as astronomically high as they are, who can do that?????? It was the one thing we had left to do that didn't cost a whole lot of money. Even when we do go out, it's just the two of us. Trying to find someone in this town to do something with is like pulling teeth.
I guess I've said enough for now. I was laying on the couch crying and decided to just come to my blog and type whatever is on my mind. Although it's the last thing on earth I need, I'm sure someone will judge me for this but I don't have control over that. Just over me and this is my blog, so I can say whatever I want and need to here.
