Friday, December 26, 2008

Christmas 2008

Wow, it's been a long while since posting on my blog. I was thinking this morning that now is as good a time as any to put up something new. I am believing that what comes from me will not always sound as negative as it does right now. I'll just see where this goes.

'Christmas' for us this year was bittersweet. My daughter, Heather and I moved to a different area of Arizona this past July so it's been 5 months in the new place. We're currently facing some very challenging things financially so staying positive has been an uphill climb but we're taking it a day and a step at a time. I didn't have anything monetarily to buy her gifts with and the guilt I felt was almost crushing. To be truthful, I haven't really allowed myself to feel it because it hurts so much. She is such a light and joy in my life that I want to do SO much for her and it has felt powerless to not be able to. Everything philosophical I've ever learned and read is swirling in my head right now but these are my feelings about it. She, however created this beautifully, magical day for us and I don't know quite how to express my gratitude. I woke up yesterday morning to a trail of bows from my bedroom to the kitchen, where I saw our kitchen table looking like a winter wonderland. It was covered with 'snow' and gold tinsel was strewn around the chairs. There was a white artificial poinsettia centerpiece, with candles all around it. Gorgeous! Beside that was a wrapped gift with a card and a note. I also had little notes waiting for me in our computer room, from 'Santa Bean.' Her nickname for years now has been, My Little Lima Bean and Santa Bean is one of its many evolutions. :o) Once she got up yesterday, I read the note and card and opened the gift. It was The Golden Compass, a favorite movie of mine. Because of having resolved to myself earlier in the month that we were not going to exchange gifts this year, this was a sweet surprise. We then spent the day together, watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and then it was time to get ready for dinner. She asked me to get her sweater out of the car in the garage, which wasn't there. She then locked the door and said she was playing a trick on me. Come to find out, she was putting a bicycle in my room that she had gotten and needed me to be out of the house while she moved it from her room to mine. I then asked her to agree with me that until I can get a bike for her, we will share this one since we both love to ride. I'm blown away. I've wanted us to have bikes because ours got stolen a couple of years ago, while living in Yuma, Az. I have the most precious, beautiful and giving daughter. I feel like words fail me in expressing just how much she means to me. I truly love the bond we share. She said to me at dinner, "Holidays just wouldn't be the same without you. Promise me that we'll always find our way to each other." I realize that she's at a point in her life, being 18 that she is contemplating about the direction she will go next. Although I am her mother, with the changes in my life over the past almost 18 months, I find myself doing very much the same thing. Our desires are similar in many ways, so who knows the adventures awaiting us. During our dinner of wonderful brown rice pasta, peas, olive oil and Italian herbs, we had a glass of cherry flavored sparkling cider and toasted to each other and new beginnings. She is my best friend and I wanted to put together a post to honor the beautiful young woman she is. One that I am so very proud of.

Heather, thank you with all of my heart for being the gift that you are in this world. My life has been dramatically and profoundly impacted by you and you truly have been my greatest teacher. My prayer and intention for you is that you experience ALL of the joy, peace, happiness and fulfillment in this life that you are so deserving of.

I love you!

Saturday, May 24, 2008


Why does it feel like the pain will never end? Why has my daughter been through so much in her life? Why can't I seem to help her?? Or myself? Why do people say they love you and they're there for you when they're really not? Why did The Coutlee's say they love Heather and I so much but now will only type three lines back after I write to them, pouring my heart out? Why is it that I sent them a text message, never to hear anything in return? Why have I lost "Christian" friends, just by being myself, flawed as I am? Why do I feel like I have a never-ending pit of loneliness inside? Why is it that when I would be going through things earlier in my life, that the phone would ring just at the 'right' time but now, I can be cold, all alone and empty with absolutely no hope in sight? Why is it that I have $2.00 and some change to my name and absolutely no motivation, whatsoever, to try to find work? Why does no one seem to understand that my daughter and I have been through 12 years of emotional and verbal abuse in my marriage? Why do #W$^$%^&$ therapists have to charge money to help people? Even sliding scale means there a cost of some kind. How can you take from negative??? Why is it that fellow 'Christians' want to give me text book answers to these questions? Why can't people be in the ditches with us, FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES???? I feel like screaming until I can't anymore but if I do, I hurt physically so that doesn't work either. Why does it appear that some people have the answers and others struggle all of their lives? Why do I cry alone? Why does my daughter not tell me most of what she goes through? I feel like I have ruined her life. She's turning 18 in a month and 2 days and I have absolutely nothing to buy her anything with and there are no friends I could get together for a party. She adores Josh Groban and I wanted to get her tickets to a concert... I want her to have some joy. It breaks my heart to see my daughter look so sad all the time, knowing how she was when she was a little girl, before all that happened in my marriage. My bad choices have really screwed up her life and I can't take it back. She looks like a shell of the bright, beautiful personality that she was at 5. We've been so isolated that she's never been in a play or known what sleepovers are like. Now she's almost 18 and feels like she's been robbed of her mother. I don't blame her a bit because she has been. I've taken refuge in the computer because of not wanting to face the pain of my reality. Now that he's no longer living in the same house with us, a large part of what we were fighting daily is gone but we most certainly are dealing with the aftermath. Well, not dealing with it.....just breathing. Why am I living in a town where people are so disconnected that I could literally disappear here and no one would be the wiser? Why do both of my parents have to be dead? I lost my father when I was 6, to the military and my mother to small cell lung cancer in June 2006. She was my biggest fan and always there with unconditional love. We definitely had our problems, but I realize now that she believed in me, no matter what. It hurts so bad sometimes that I ache for one of her hugs or smiles. Just to hear her voice one more time. I can't. That's that. I just can't. She's gone and there's nothing I can do about it. Why do we learn? It seems as though the more I learn, the more alienated I feel. I suppose I know why the saying exists, "ignorance is bliss." I hear my daughter say a lot that she preferred the world when she didn't know so much. I relate to that. I don't understand if there's going to be so much pain, why we live in the first place. I can, just like so many people give the PC answer or the religious one.....because that's life, grow up and suck it up! Because God has a purpose, etc. I'm 38, turning 39 next month and still don't have a clue about the direction my life is going. I feel less sure now than I think I ever have. Why do people ask questions, as if they're going to help you in some way and then never e-mail back after that? Why is my life so different than when I was a child? I was so filled with hope and dreams, so sure and so happy. This feels like some big, sadistic joke. I want my daughter and I to have a real chance to heal but there just don't seem to be the resources we need and I have no idea what to do about it. We used to take drives around town, on a regular basis, just to get out of the house, see something different and talk. Well with the freakin' gas prices as astronomically high as they are, who can do that?????? It was the one thing we had left to do that didn't cost a whole lot of money. Even when we do go out, it's just the two of us. Trying to find someone in this town to do something with is like pulling teeth.

I guess I've said enough for now. I was laying on the couch crying and decided to just come to my blog and type whatever is on my mind. Although it's the last thing on earth I need, I'm sure someone will judge me for this but I don't have control over that. Just over me and this is my blog, so I can say whatever I want and need to here.

Friday, April 18, 2008

$25 Anyone?

I saw an ad for this new service like PayPal, called Revolution Money Exchange on my friend, Julie's blog. I just signed up and got $25. I've placed a banner here at the top right on my blog, if you would like to sign up as well. A neat extra is that if you sign up, I'll get another $10 for the referral. Cool, huh? You can actually get up to $500 by referring people, so check it out! Clicking the banner will automatically give me credit for referring you. The $25 promotion is going on through May 15th, so I hope you'll sign up soon.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Oprah, Labels & Other Such Things

It's been a while since I've posted anything, especially that wasn't a song or a music video but there's something that's been on my mind since last night that I would like to blog about.  I've had so much welling up inside me throughout the day that I haven't written down but I'm trusting that what I want to articulate will be there as I go...

My subject matter for this post is Oprah Winfrey.  Hers is a name that brings any number of words to mind with people.  For me, three words would be inspiring, passionate and spiritual.  I read a blog post last night from someone I consider to be a friend...however, this is one subject that we do not agree on and that's what I want to talk about here.  He gave a link to another blog called, "Oprah and other false gods:  The Jealousy of God."  In glancing over this blog, I saw phrases like, "Oprahanity, the gospel of Oprah, the gospel of self."  I also saw this quote:  "I admit I am not what I would call an "expert" on Oprah.  I have followed quite a bit of the info that comes out now and then about her religious/spiritual beliefs but I can't watch her show (I do look now and then to have some idea of how she views these things, sort of my pop-culture "investigation"), it is tedious/boring and brain numbing viewing, (give me Plutarch any day over Oprah LOL) its torturous...I feel bad for just posting this video!!!  LOL  But hey people should have an idea of what is out there plus I like to engage with the culture around me..."

What are we so afraid of??  I have been greatly inspired and touched by this woman's courage and life has been changed and is continually being changed, as a result of watching her show.  I do not worship Oprah but I do highly regard her as a wonderful and caring human being, with a powerful influence.  To the ones who are criticizing and quoting her I want to ask, "Do you have the WHOLE story or are you taking pieces out of context to propagate* your fears?!?"  I read these blogs (this isn't the first time I've seen one like this about her) and the comments that are made, along with the foolish e-mails that come through my inbox from time to time, with strong warnings to stay away from her and I think, "I'm not getting this at ALL from anything I've seen on her show or have read in her magazine, etc."  I do, however see how that impression could be gotten by skimming over or watching bits and pieces here and there; after all, none of us have ever been guilty of trying to communicate with someone else, only to have them cut us off mid-sentence, misconstruing* everything we were attempting to get across...right?  

Growing up in a Christian home, I was taught (in the church) intolerance, fear and judgement. Oh, but we don't call it that.  Anyone that wasn't saying what they (the church) told me was right was considered evil, the devil or demon possessed, worldly, new-agey (whatever term would work) and I needed to run far away from that as fast as I could go. Now that I'm an adult that just translates as not being open to consider anything else as having truth...I've got to pick it apart to the point that it's not even recognizable by the time I'm done.  This is sickening to me!!  Is God not big enough?  I mean, is he really so small that he's wringing his hands in worry that we're going to hear something that will *God forbid* CHANGE and TRANSFORM us??  Oh wait, I mean make us one of "THOSE NEW AGERS or false gods or prophets."  *sarcasm intended there*  In other words, I just cannot believe that he's in a fit of anxiety about these things.  I also do not believe that he's this cold, disconnected entity* that is not very much involved with our lives.  On the contrary, I fully believe that he indwells* me.  

If we're so willing to "investigate" Oprah, as was mentioned in the quote above, what, may I ask, are we going to do with just about every Disney movie ever made?  Case in point, the following:  Brother Bear, Balto, Mulan, Cinderella, Lilo & Stitch, Pocahontas, The Ant Bully and LOTS more.  I have many Christian friends who absolutely adore these movies and they and their families watch them repeatedly and have them in their libraries; including myself.  Okay, so Brother Bear; fantastic movie, full of "new-agey" type stuff.  Balto, definitely lots of spiritual aspects.  Mulan was looking to her ancestors for guidance in her decisions, right?  This is one of our personal favorites!!  Cinderella has a fairy Godmother.  Stitch in Lilo & Stitch is an alien.  Wow, what category does that fit into?  Do I even need to mention Pocahontas??  Indians, ancestors, talking trees......oh yeah, Lord of the Rings has talking trees too!  :o)  The Ant Bully is also very spiritual and "new-agey" in its approach.  Do all of us who call ourselves Christians suddenly boycott Disney movies, for fear that we might be indoctrinated?  Seriously, though; what's the difference?  

Have Oprah's accusers seen any of 'The Big Give' shows?  I've watched every week and they have been phenomenal!  It's not just good TV, folks.  This is life-changing, truly inspirational stuff.  I guess we can't call it 'Christian' because there's no condemnation in it.  Nothing telling us that we had better do this or God's not going to accept or approve of us.  

The one question that leaves for me however, is this - Where is grace in all of this discussion about Oprah and her affiliates?  Where is grace?........  

Is there a possibility at all that we are the ones not understanding, rather than spending so much time and energy attacking someone whom I believe is making a wonderful impact on this earth?  Just some food for thought tonight.

"He who has ears to hear, let him hear..."

*propagate - to transmit (characteristics) from one generation to another.
*misconstrue - to mistake the meaning of; misinterpret
*entity - the fact of existence; being
*indwell - to exist as an animating or divine inner spirit, force, or principle
*sarcasm - A form of irony in which apparent praise concels another, scornful meaning.

If you've read to this point, thank you.  My daughter also put together her own post on this subject earlier today, and if you'd like to read that, just click the name, Inside My Heart.

Peace be with you all!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008


Well, here's two posts in one day. I think that's a record for me. :o) My daughter, Heather said she wanted me to hear this song by Avril Lavigne, called Innocence and we just finished sharing that moment. This song really resounded with my heart so I want to share it with you. Music profoundly speaks to me. I love it and thank God for the gift of its expression. I hope you enjoy, my friends.

Also, my daughter has a blog, if you would like to check it out: Inside My Heart

music player
I made this music player at More colors.

Testify To Love

Good morning! My post today is with my friend, Joel in mind because of a recent post on his blog about the song, Testify to Love. We've had a dialogue about an episode of Touched By An Angel called, The 151st Psalm. You can read about it here, if you'd like to know what it's about. It's one of our favorites and this beautiful song is in it. There's a version by the group, Avalon but I first heard it by Wynonna Judd and that's the one I prefer. I found a video on YouTube, featuring this version so if you have time, I would love for you to join me in listening and watching this wonderful expression of love.

Have a beautiful day! ♥

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Wild Horses - My Heart's Cry

I heard this beautiful song today and it deeply touched my heart. Is there anyone else who feels this way? I don't know if anyone ever comes here and views these posts but I put them up because they speak to me and I hope they will to someone else who needs it as well.

music player
I made this music player at

Wild Horses by Natasha Bedingfield


I feel these four walls closing in
Face up against the glass
I'm looking out, hmmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
It's greener pastures I'm thinking about
Hmm, wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but not feel scared

Ooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses, oh

Yeah, oh oh, ye-yeah

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare-back, care-free
Along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head-first, head-long
Without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear, but not feel scared

Oooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses, oh

I wanna run too
Oooh oh oh oh
Recklessly abandoning myself before you
I wanna open up my heart
Tell him how I feel, ooh ooh

Oooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses

Ooh ooooh ooh ooh ye-yeah yeah oohh
I wanna run with the wild horses, ooooh